Find time to be alone and together

Being with people

Being in the company of others demands considerable cognitive and emotional effort, requiring energy to maintain relative harmony. One constantly evaluates the mood of their companion or friend and makes decisions based on mutual compromises, which often renders resolutions nearly impossible and undesired by either party. This leads to fewer mental and time resources for oneself and personal growth, as thinking and creativity require concentration and extended periods without interruption.

Some individuals thrive when surrounded by people for extended periods. Why? Several possible explanations and notes on that:

• Some people have fewer mirror neurons, allowing them not to be distracted by the presence of others.

• Some still mirror but enjoy it, learning to blend their personalities and downplay their personal needs.

• Many people particularly enjoy time with their families. It seems they tend to value this because the individuals involved in the communication are similar, and this time together costs them mentally nothing and even makes them stronger (often not in their best qualities, as many people share the worst with their families). Not to mention the oxytocin provided by nature to strengthen family ties. Families often view their time as the ultimate value without any further reasoning. I often see parents who lose themselves in their kids and do not have separate life goals anymore. I also need to add here that I never had kids and am sure would be a crazily caring mom if I had…

• Some people just cannot be alone and do not understand why others would be alone even for short periods of time. They need material and emotional support and validation all the time.

• Some cannot afford being alone (yet): if at the moment you are married and raising kids, and/or need to work to provide for yourself and your family, you cannot be totally alone and have to rely on active collaboration with other humans.

• Many are so strongly programmed  that totally believe it is "wrong" to be alone and you are supposed to be unhappy otherwise (look at all these Christmas miracles on Netflix of finally meeting your other half!).

Being alone

Joe Dispenza (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X8BzWjxdtyU) claims that being alone leads to rewiring your brain with physiological changes in it (growth in the prefrontal cortex, for example). He even advocates life without relationships (except for the relationship with yourself). He proposes that one can generate the hormones associated with satisfaction and happiness all on your own (meditating on self-love, for example).

I agree that in order to be coherent with your own values, be able to think and contemplate, make decisions, develop new desired qualities and expertise, and generally take care of yourself physically and mentally, you need time by yourself. But can we be alone all the time, and do we benefit from this? I imagine that some very devoted individuals, strong meditators, and monks of various kinds have the ability and even the need to be solitary most of the time. They build their life as solitary practice and probably reach certain fulfillment and happiness, the way they understand it. But what about a regular person with regular needs and regular capabilities? I think that a regular person who ends up in prolonged solitude ends up being deteriorated, depressed, and can even experience dissociative identity disorder. Our identity, our “I,” is formed and changed by our experiences and personal communications after all. Moreover, I think that left to their own devices, most people will run out of ideas and energy to feel and think.

Joe also claims that learning to be happily alone is the new evolutionary path for humanity. My two cents on this statement:

• There were always people who knew how to be alone so it is not a recent evolutionary trend.

• There will always be people who will not want or know how to be alone.

• How can one call this evolution as this trait is not really propagated? One can imagine that people will transfer these traits through epigenetics or by education and that is how it will become more pronounced in the future.

That said, I do believe that regular time alone is a necessity. One needs to rest from being tuned to other people, being alert and attentive in communication. One needs time to calm down, remember yourself and your values, think about what happened, plan things, and simply restore mental energy. Any intellectual activity (research, art, writing) requires alone time. So I agree with Joe that one needs to be alone, but not all the time, like he proposed. While it’s important to let go of relationships that drain your energy or fail to inspire joy, growth, and curiosity, I believe it’s equally crucial to nurture those connections that make you a better and happier person.

My evolution

From early years, I felt that my path was special and was never truly aligned with other people. I had my educational, physical, and spiritual goals, which I thought nobody could sustain. I did get married when I was 41 years old and thought I did the right thing at that time. Marriage was entangled with our joint professional life, and I learned and gained a lot from our joint work and life together. But spending time with the huge family of my ex was pure torture for me. Who knows why exactly: was I not ready, was I with the wrong people? But they came and went as they pleased, while I felt that my space was violated and my time was interrupted. I always knew that I would eventually have to be freed from this experience.

I was totally sure that my eventual path forward would be a solitary life. I believed I did not want love and was not capable of love. My brother and I often quoted Aristotle: “The one who does not love never loves.” And I thought I was such a person. Now it’s fascinating to look back on moments when I expressed absolute certainty about something, only to realize years later how relative and limited my opinions were. The Universe surprised me three years ago and turned my life upside down. First, I fell in love. This was so powerful and irresistible, it felt like a sign from heaven itself. I dropped all my defenses and trusted my feelings. Probably for the first time in my life, I allowed myself true vulnerability and I was rewarded. Soon after I realized my feelings, Boulder had a big fire and my husband’s and my house burned. This traumatic loss brought me clarity and freedom combined with strange but certain temporary insanity, which gave me the power to leave my marriage, my job, and my company (co-owned with my husband) three days after the fire.

Since then, I have found myself becoming more loving and accepting, striving to be fully present and kind to the people I care about and who care for me in return. I have lots of friends and social engagements. I cherish my love, which started three years ago, and want to be present, patient, and kind in this relationship. I want us to have a foundation of love and respect that embraces our individuality and differences. No one person can fulfill all the needs of their partner, and it’s important to cultivate strength and independence. For me, this means continuing my dedicated practice of pranayama and meditation, developing new knowledge about the universe and the human mind, pushing myself in workouts and pickleball, and creating enough solo time for exploration and introspection—whatever form that takes.

So, my message to you is this: cherish the people who bring you joy and make you feel alive. But also create time and space for yourself to rebuild your strength and wholeness—through solitary pursuits, personal reflection, and the freedom to be fully yourself.